Parents vs Grandparent

Two years ago our family was blessed with the arrival of an angel. A little boy was born and gifted to all of us. I only speak from my own perspective when I say, he is very special. My role became a parent vs grandparent scenario.

I am a mom to three beautiful girls who are my world and I thank the universe for them every single day. Although they wouldn’t believe it.

We have had so many varied experiences over our lifetime together. Sharing some wonderful and happy times. Others we’d probably rather forget. But I guess that is what life is all about.

In the beginning, I had a preconceived idea of how my parenting experience would play out. Somewhere along the way, I had to take a different path and that is when our destinies changed. Or maybe this was what our destiny was meant to be?

The years passed and we all took unexpected detours. Some together, some apart.

I came to a pivotal point in my mom journey when I felt that I had to fight to regain three very important relationships.

Divorce Changes Everything

After the father of my girls and I divorced, the family journey as we know it suddenly halted. Our family dynamic was completely different. Beginning a whole new journey was difficult for the four of us. I had to morph into a different role. This is when my role changed from a mom to a parent.

Parenting as a single mom is very different from parenting with a biological partner in the family dynamic.

Unfortunately, my relationship with their father after our divorce was far from amicable. If he and I had been able to parent together after the demise of our marriage our three daughters may have had a very different experience.

From the moment he and I parted ways until now, I have felt my parenting skills have always been under a microscope. There were many people in our circle as a married couple who would have loved to have seen me fail. All I can say is I did the very best I was capable of considering I did not have a lot of support.

My three girls are now all in their twenties, all employed in varied careers. They are living their own very independent lives. From my perspective, I did a pretty good job. I am so proud of my girls.

Rebuilding Relationships

After many years of what felt like scrutiny, judgment, and criticism from outside sources. I have had to rebuild my relationship with each of my daughters in a way I have had to prove myself to each one of them. Working to gain their trust again just to give me a chance to share in their lives.

This came about due to outside influences out of my control. My daughters were young and they had been taught to respect adults. I had to fight to prove I wasn’t the person I was being portrayed as by the other adults around them. Their family was no longer my family. The girls loved them and they had no reason not to believe what was being said about me. After all, it was one against so many. Looking back I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for my daughters. They were torn between their mom and the majority.

It has been a long and emotional road and I am still working on all three relationships. They’re currently at different levels to one another. Although, I don’t plan on giving up if it takes me to my very last breath.

Daughter Leaves Her Home Country

My eldest daughter left her home country to start a new life and for a time our relationship was very strained. She met an American and they married so she moved to the US with him to start their life together.
Experiencing a certain level of hardship, in the beginning. They persevered as two very different individuals with different backgrounds from very different countries.

Together they built on all of the opportunities presented to them in the past seven years and their achievements were obtained through hard work. They have created a wonderful family, a wonderful home and a wonderful life together. Their life.
It has been a huge journey for both of them.

The transition of Parent vs Grandparent

After a period of estrangement, my relationship changed with my eldest daughter when she contacted me to advise me of her pregnancy. With this, a new journey began together. We started on a very long road to rebuilding a fractured relationship.

Our biggest hurdle was TRUST!

Thank goodness we had a gestation period of nine months until birth.

We used every moment of that nine months to reach a level in our relationship that we were both comfortable with.

AND THEN…..

Along came a sweet little angel. He will never know just how significant his arrival was to both of us. A little bundle of blankets, our savior.

Suddenly my daughter was a mother, and I a grandmother.
At five weeks of age, I was able to travel and meet our little blessing in person. This trip also introduced me to his mother, my daughter.
I won’t sugar coat this experience but we both had our reservations. We both harbored feelings of trepidation. Also, we were wary of each other after our estrangement. Now finally, we were face to face. There was doubt, fear and a certain level of anxiety from both perspectives.

Grandchildren Change You

My grandson is so very precious and important to me. I am able to have a relationship with him that I consider to be pure. On his mother’s side of the family, there can only be one grandmother. Therefore, this role is very important to me. Possibly as important as being a mom.

I decided I wanted to be identified as Grammy. At first, my daughter wasn’t keen but slowly warmed to my choice.

After my first in-person visit during which my grandson and I initially bonded, my daughter and I worked out a visiting schedule via Facetime to catch up and stay connected. Since she lives in Los Angeles and I live in Australia time was a consideration but we found times that worked for us.

Since I am technologically illiterate – The lack of understanding scares me immensely. I am so grateful my daughter introduced me to and taught me how to use some of the new technology to remain in touch. We persisted on my interaction with it since the distance is more bearable when you are able to see and interact with each other.

Since my first visit to see my grandson, the three of us have been able to build a relationship regardless of the distance between us. We have connected almost every weekend with the exception of a few for two whole years! It really is a shared commitment.

Long Distance Is A Commitment

I am in debt to my beautiful daughter. She makes our contact possible. Initiating all of our Facetime calls. I usually leave it to her to call me due to her busy life as a full-time working mom with a big career ahead of her.

From the beginning, she has diligently held the phone up to her son while she and I chatted. He would have his bottles, she would change his diapers, he would lay asleep in her arms. I would watch every moment. Soaking in every movement and was completely in awe of our gorgeous bundle of joy.

Over time I have been able to watch him roll, crawl and walk. I have been able to witness his physical and mental development. It really feels so lucky to have been part of it all.

Now that he is older he and I have a much more interactive visit on Facetime. I watch him eat his breakfast, he shows me his toys, he and I do some bird watching from their front window through the phone. The three of us read books together, we watch his favorite television shows together, even movies. I am just so happy to watch while he shares his development with me. He changes so much in a week.

I consider myself incredibly fortunate my daughter understands, appreciates and is supportive of my desire to have a relationship with her son. I am eternally grateful for her patience. She has given an equal amount of precious time to ensure her son and I have a friendship, a relationship, and a bond.

Physical Visits

In person, all of my time is focussed on him. We have so little time together. I can sit and watch him play for hours. All day in fact. We have lots of laughs together. He is such a little character. My perspective of a parent vs grandparent is being able to experience all of the moments I missed as a mother. There are so many moments, so many facial expressions, so many attempts at speech and so many gestures.

Parent vs Grandparent – Differ

As a parent, it wasn’t possible to spend as much time with each of my children one on one for as long as I am able to be with my grandson. As a grandparent, I am not responsible for the important decisions that guide him through his everyday life. I am a Grammy! Now I have the time to sit and marvel at his every move and treasure all the time we have together, however, long or short that may be. Whether in person or through Facetime.

He is teaching me to be still, relaxed and patient. I am reconnecting with my inner child and am learning to play again, learning to laugh at the simplest little things, enjoying every minute.

I can’t be sure what the future holds but I endeavor to physically visit with him at least once per year. Around his birthday is my goal. As often as possible is my ultimate goal.

During a call the other day my daughter commented on how attentive her son is to me during our Facetime calls. How he recognizes me and is no longer shy. It has taken a lot of time and effort to build the connection he and I have. The transitioning of parent vs grandparent is now complete and I have been successful. At least from my perspective.

Memorable Moments

My dream visit would begin with a little boy running toward me upon arrival, arms outstretched yelling “Grammeeeeeeeeeee”, with joy and excitement in his voice.

I truly believe this dream is very close to becoming reality and when it happens I will have tears of absolute joy.

The parent vs grandparent transition is so incredibly inspirational. I liken it to a second chance. Reliving the innocence a grandchild brings to recapture those missed moments when you were busy parenting.

Grandchildren. Bless.